32. You accidentally knocked over and broke your glass. How embarrassing. Okay. Now that you have had a few minutes to sit there and laugh at yourself, could you please get up without putting your hands in broken glass so I can clean up your table. Let's leave the laceration-induced bleeding to the professionals, please.
33. You snap, clap, whistle, bang your glass on the table. What do I do? Laugh. you were making a joke, right. Meaningful eye contact, or an "excuse me?" work very well. Manners. Whoda thunk it?
34. You want to try to sneak your beer to your underage girlfriend? Cute. yup, get that sixteen year old good and drunk and see what her dad does to you when he finds out. Meanwhile, you're both gone as soon as I see it happen, and believe me Casanova, I have eyes all over this place. Underlying message here: date rape is a crime, and you proud owner of an over 21 ID, are not a minor. Overlying message: go get drunk in a field or something.
35. Do not try to run out on your tab. I can spot all the behavioral signs that go along with tab-runners. And I can run faster than you. I have legs up to my tonsils and used to be in track. You are probably drunk and weighed down by all the crap you just stuffed in your face.
36. Do not stick your gum or anything else that has been in your mouth on the table. Gross. I once saw this happen to a server who plucked it right off the table and gave it back to the customer. I really wish that i did not have to include this tip. it seems like it would be common sense. I compare people who stick their gum to the table to people who used to pick their noses and eat what they found in kindergarten.
37. Do not leave your or yours bodily fluids at, on, or around the table. Your kid puked? Not cute, not funny, not my problem. last time that I checked, a haz mat suit was not a part of my uniform.
38. Refills: I know, I know, soda pop is expensive. At least two bucks no matter where you go, so I get the point of getting your money's worth, but come on. Do you need to drink nine glasses of coke in an hour? Do you really expect me to bring you another one every four minutes?
39. Refills, number two: Because i think giving children soda is a form of child abuse, I will take it out on you, the parents, by giving them nineteen refills if they are so inclined. I know this sounds terrible, but maybe, just maybe having to deal with your kid's sugar shock and the sugar hangover that ensues will be enough to stop this from happening a second time.
40. You're dressed like a whore. Or you have super outlandish hair. Or you look/smell like a bum. Or whatever else you have going on that makes people's eyes pop out of their skulls. And it's not Halloween. Guess what, people are going to stare at you. get used to it.
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