Friday, October 21, 2011

tips to make your server not hate you. volume 3

21. Smokers vs. Non. Not much I can really say about this, as I am divided. I smoke but cheered the loudest over the smoking ban. Kind of got tired of having to throw my work clothes directly into garbage bags after work. So, the non-smokers got their wish, but now they want more. It is getting to the point where we can't even smoke on patios anymore. Which, I also get to a certain extent. I do not always want to be breathing in smoke while I am trying to eat, but I will be damned if I do not dig having the freedom to light up myself as soon as I am done.

22. Food Allergies. Please let us know when you have them. It is not enough to simply ask to have something removed from a dish, we need to make sure there is no cross-contamination. On the other hand, if you have an aversion to something, do not get all pouty and rude if we cannot give you a perfect substitute, because no, not every bar stocks potato vodka and vegan cheese. sorry. you aren't being progressive, just picky.

23. So you say it's your birthday? Great, we have a table for the four of you. awesome. and then every 5 minutes, four more people show up until I am waiting on thirty people with no warning. Look, I am great at my job and yes, you will have separate tabs, but please, if you know about this in advance, give me a heads up.

24. We are closed. So leave. I am almost positive that if i went to your job at Target or Starbucks or wherever, I would not be able to loiter there twenty minutes after close, so why is it different when you come to my work?

25. Yes, you are that asshole. That we all talk about and hate waiting on. You are patronizing, you hit on everything that moves, you don't tip, you want a fancy schmancy cocktail and 3 different mixed shots for last call. We don't like you, but we are patient. Some day we will find out where you work and be that guy who you and your coworkers talk about and hate dealing with, because sometimes karma needs a little nudge.

26. this is not the right place to dump someone. I know you want a public place so there is no scene, but come on, if you are that juvenile, why not just text the person, yee of little balls? Because I do not have enough napkins to mop up all that mascara and spray tan, and you aren't going to tip me well enough to make it worth my while. If you don't skip out on the bill entirely, that is.

27. Pub Crawls. So fun, and so matchy-matchy. Nothing can really stem the blood of chaos, but you can make things a bit easier for yourself and your server. Stick to beer and single ingredient shots. have cash, or if you want to be the coolest person ever, open a tab for the whole pub crawl and sort out your cash yourselves. tip well and try not to get in the way of all the people who are not there to celebrate the penguins or whatever.

28. Can I have a water? Sure, and you can keep having refills as long as you are not just sitting there with your friends, not ordering anything else. How does this not make sense to people? Why would i do a service for someone that will generate no bill and thus, no tip, when i have a whole room full of people who are actually paying to be there. walk your cheap, thirsty ass over to SA and buy a bottle of water. you can refill it free in the bathroom sink.

29.Poor service. sit down at my table and be shifty, hostile, bossy, and sullen. If you don't make eye contact, mutter your orders at me, and ask for a myriad of ridiculous shit like more cherry juice in your lemonade or a side of blue cheese and ranch and ketchup mixed together, there is a good chance my winning smile and polite interest in your needs as a customer will fall by the wayside. You, in turn will pick up my aggravation and think that I am a bitch who obviously hated you on sight, so you will become even more sullen and demanding. I will become thin lipped and eye-rolly, and you will retaliate by paying me mostly in nickels. no tip.
30. Point 2 of the above: Do not EVER think you that you are being profiled. I do not care about gender, religion, race, age, sexual orientation. I am never thanking my lucky stars that I get to wait on a table of good looking guys as apposed to a hassled looking family with six kids. That is the true beauty of living and working in such a diverse city. Everyone is different, so every encounter is a new adventure. I don't judge anyone until they either look down their nose at me, or don't bother to look at me at all.

31. Pay attention. When your server comes to get orders, refill drinks, whatever, make sure to order when everyone else does. We run enough. we do not need to wear a path to and from your table just because you need just one more thing every time i come back. Sometimes, i get paranoid that people do this shit on purpose...

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