11. If your server does not tell you their name, do not ask for it.we don't know your name and don't want to know it. no offense. eye contact tells me that you need something better than shouting out your ill gotten gains.
12. Do not ask for extra shit, like sauces and be surprised when you are charged for it. it ain't free to us, it ain't free to you.
13. Ha ha! Your friend is super-wasted and making a total ass of himself! He keeps trying to grab my ass! He keep knocking over drinks! Oh look, he went into the girls' bathroom to pee in the sink! So Cute! No. Get your tab and get him home. Save me the trouble of kicking him out and I will remember you as being that guy who didn't make my job harder. Stand back and watch the spectacle? Oh well, I am tossing your ass out, too.
14. Boyfriends and girlfriends of waitstaff...we love ya, love to see you, love that you are getting to know our coworkers and bar regulars. Sigh. It is nice to see such a familiar and cherished face while working such antisocial hours. Sometimes. It is never the right time, however, to camp out for hours, watching me and sizing up every guy I am being paid to talk to. Casually mentioning to me that "the guy in the booth over there was totally staring at your ass as you were walking away" is not going to help either of us to have a better night. So, significant others, sit at the bar, find something to do besides pretend not to stalk your better half, and let us come to you for brief respites from the sea of thirsty faces.
15. I come over to your table, put down coasters, drop menus, smile. You are talking and ignoring me, so I walk away. you peruse the beer list, still chatting. I come back after a few minutes. I look at you both expectantly. You glance in my direction but continue to talk to each other. Okay Rude-y McAsshole, you can have a drink when they install an ice rink in hell. People, please. Servers, especially when busy, are on a tight schedule. we have a lot of shit to do, to remember, to set up. we really do want you to be happy and comfortable, but you have to do your part and, I don't know, stop talking long enough to hem and haw between a Miller Lite and a Summit.
16. Put down your phone. Close your laptop. I do not approach people on cellphones. If you try to order from me while you are talking on your cellphone, i will look at you incredulously and walk away. The reason? Well, when confronted by customers, I tell them that I do not want to be rude and interrupt their conversation. reality? It is really fucking rude to not even pause in conversation long enough to acknowledge the person who is trying to quench your thirst. Ditto for texters.
17. Last call. Usually this happens 15 minutes before bar close. I understand the scramble to get as drunk as you can as quickly as possible before we release you into the night,but at this point, aren't you just waiting your money? Sure, buy a round of shots and and down those with the girl you met a few hours ago who you are sure is THE ONE. Actually, she thinks that you are THE ONE, and you probably actually wanted to get with her hot friend...anyway, do not order 2 Guinness's and a scotch neat when you only have 15 minutes left to drink. 2:05 and we are taking it all away from you, no matter what you tipped on the round. thems the laws.
18. Making out in public is icky. And yes, I have been icky before, so do not think I am above it. In fact, I am guilty of many of the drunk related sins of which I have been lamenting, so you know, I am human, too. Making out in public is icky. You might be having the sexiest, most romantic time ever, but we are just wondering if you are homeless, or worse, cheating on your significant others. Why else would you be sucking face in public instead of rolling around naked in a nice, comfy bed? Shit, I don't care how awesome it is where I work, given the choice between sticking my tongue down some one's throat at the rail and snogging between the sheets, well, I love my sheets.
19. Girl on girl hostility. I am not checking out your boyfriend. He does not think I am cuter than you. blah blah blah. reverse the role for guys. nothing is sexier than lack of self confidence and paranoid insecurity. And even if you do not say it out loud, we feel your hostile vibes and so does your partner.
20. Girl on girl hostility, Part 2: You are not better than me because I am a lowly server. I make lotsa money to have a good time in a great environment. I have time to write, to go to school, and to go to the beach pretty much whenever I want. I also feel confident in the knowledge that as long as i am doing this job, my legs are gonna look smokin'.