If I were him...

i would look me in the eye.
i  would smile back.
my eyes would not linger on my breasts.
i would still watch me retreat. i do have great hair. and a nice ass.

if i were her...

i wouldn't bother watching his every move.
i wouldn't order beer plus cheese bread plus a meatball hoagie.
i would grow my hair waist length and dye it mahogany.
i would leave him to his (fat) chances with the waitress.

if i were them...

i wouldn't ask for a round of waters to start. they aren't going to finish with anything else, right?
i wouldn't make such a mess.
i wouldn't be so rude.
i wouldn't try to walk out on my tab.

if i were you...

i would visit me whenever you feel like because i always want to see your face.
i would ravage me without hesitation.
i would pat myself on the back for being so fucking sweet.
i wouldn't change a thing.

because i am me...

i will politely ignore the him who keeps leering at me even though he is with his girlfriend.
i will discreetly let her know she has sauce on her face.
i will chase them out and make them feel so guilty they will include a 30 percent tip.
i will love you, probably for as long as it's possible.