Friday, October 21, 2011

tips to make your server not hate you. volume one

I have always felt that people should consult a dining guide before going to a bar or restaurant. then they should have to take and pass a quiz and have a laminated card showing that they did, in fact, take and pass the quiz. It should be more important than even proving that you are over 21 when ordering a drink. especially because i don't think the ability to drink should be based on age, but on merit, hence the dining out guide and quiz.

Since this is probably never going to happen, i have compiled a list of things that should be common sense for you to peruse. the list will grow. people are constantly finding new ways to be obnoxious while in public. i shouldn't be shocked anymore, but when a drunk guy hands you the cup he has been spitting his chew in for the last few hours and expects you to empty the napkins and replace them, you know that you will live to see another asshole doing something even more grotesque.  Here goes: 

1. Do not hit on your server. We are paid to be nice to you. However, in the instance, and this does actually happen, that you feel some kind of cosmic connection and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they feel the same way, wait until your bill is paid and you are not wasted to talk to him/her. Nothing reeks quite as much as liquid courage or the question of a good tip in the face of a phone number. My advice: Find out their name and maybe come back another time.Or, wait until they aren't busy and say something nice, and something true. Do not leave your number on the credit card slip. You will be made fun of behind your back by the entire staff. Also, if you get rejected, do not stop going to the bar. It gives servers a complex when all the regulars start dropping off like flies.

2. Do not hate your server if your food comes out cold or tasting like shit. we did not make it and you did not ask for a taste test. Tell us calmly, do not freak, remaking the food will be a top priority and you will leave full and happy. Take it out on you server, and we will make sure you never want to come back, anyway.

3. Do not make jokes about us spiting in your food. Fucking gross. who would do that? you aren't dining in some low budget movie starring justin long where a bunch of losers hate everyone. We like our jobs and people. probably not ever going to stoop that low. It would take the fun from kicking your ass out for being mean to me. and yes, i do have that power.

4. If it is crazy busy, do not sit at a dirty table and then stare a hole into my back. Stand next to it, out of my way. If you don't, chances are I won't know the table has turned and you won't get service for a long, long time. Side note to this, do not touch anything on the table. we need to not be missing cash and credit card receipts because you decided to "help" us clean the table.

5. i hate serving coffee and tea. nothing on you, the customer. it is just a pet peeve. i work in a dive bar. go across the street and get a hot beverage with endless refills that doesn't taste faintly like burnt hot dogs.

6. Do not expect a deal just because you are a regular, and if you do get hooked up, do not expect this all of the time, but tip accordingly. we only get to comp a precious few times a week or whatever, so take it seriously. And yes, single people, if your server buys you a drink and lingers at your table, they are probably interested in you. Review number one.

7. Do not let your kids make a huge mess or color all over everything or rip napkins to shreds, etc.If they aren't allowed to do it in your house, then they shouldn't do it here. If that shit flies at home, stay there. none of you should be interacting with the public.

8. if your kid is screaming or crying, take them outside. no one thinks its cute and everyone wants to beat you, the parents, to death with a baseball bat. orphaned children actually have something to cry about.

9. if your kid does make a huge mess, tip accordingly. personal maid to your darling angels is not covered by standard gratuity.

10. Letting your kids run around unsupervised is stupid and fucking irresponsible. Next time i see it, i'm dialing child services, no joke. If u have ever almost accidentally dropped a tray of drinks on a kid's head, you know what I'm saying.


  1. #2 is so very true, most people just dont get that unless they have actually worked in the business! Love these they are true and cleaver!

  2. "9. if your kid does make a huge mess, tip accordingly. personal maid to your darling angels is not covered by standard gratuity."

    If the cleaning up that you do is occurring *AFTER* we have left, then NO, the tip is NOT for services not received, it's only if you are actually THERE cleaning it, THEN it would be in the tip.

    1. so if you get drunk and throw up on the table nad then leave, you do not think you should tip more since i have to clean up your puke because i am not cleaning it up in front of you. are you a moron?