Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tips To Make Your Server Not Hate. Five For Five.

Yup. I am at it again. Thought that i totally exhausted my list, but with a new restaurant comes fresh, hideously bad behavior. why is eating and drinking so complicated? If you missed volumes one through four, feel free to dig through my (ha) extensive archives. they are good for a laugh. unless they are about you. in that

41. get out of my way. seriously. you see me, now move. no? then i push. no again? well, the screw on my wine key draws blood. i know from experience.  accidents happen.  uniform shirts made out of spikes are kind of a server's daydream.

42.  get out of the places you are not suppose to be.  employees only, get it? no hidden door, no secret hallways, no magic carpet rides up to the patio. this is not mario brothers. 

43.  you know the owner? you are with the owner? you are the owner?   good for you. now can i please get back to my job serving all of the tables who are lining the pockets of your good friend/companion/you?  and yeah, i get it. you are a big deal. in japan. here we just talk shit about you behind your back.

44.  stop holding my tables hostage. yup. your friends are on the way. stuck in traffic, lost, overdosing on heroin. whatever. they. are.not. here. so why the fuck are you taking up that table for ten and nursing a water?  i will let you stay if you have ten cocktails and three appetizers...

45.  happy hour is in twenty minutes. you want to be the cheap fuck who sits there sipping water until the clock strikes whatever o'clock? well, prepare to wait even longer because when the time does come for you to save a buck a drink, you are the last on my list. and you will be all night long.

46.  tip on the total bill.  your friend puts in twenty bucks cash and you put the difference on your card? tip on the bill, not the seven dollars you are paying for.  you have a buy one get one discount? we still did the work of buy one get none. tip on the total bill. fuck, i wish i did not have to spell this shit out.

47.  do not fight gratuity.  you may be the coolest table ever, and man do we want to take our chances with you. you loved us. we loved you. we are practically facebook friends!!!  but we cannot argue with policy. see, we have to grat parties over blah blah blah and we have to do it consistently. because there may not be a party as cool as you who see it and squawk. we need to know that we can tell them it is policy. if we are awesome, tip more. if we suck, talk to the manager. nothing is written in stone.

48.  please do not be dumb enough to put a tiny child on a bar stool. or to put a booster chair on a slippery, cushy booth.  i know, happy hour is usually in the bar, and it is far more enjoyable to face a whole night with baby jane while shit faced for a few dollars less, or to sit you widening ass on squishy upholstery while you manhandle your chicken alfredo, but please, think of the children.  i have seen not one but several kids get seriously hurt face planting onto the table after rocking their booster forward in a booth.  and i will not even tell you what happened when a two year old fell off a bar stool at a restaurant where i worked. okay i will tell you. she almost died.

49.  you do not want to know all about me.  you do not need to quiz me on things like my marital status, education level, previous employment.  you are not interviewing me. you are not a literary agent or a potential boyfriend. ( because if i found one of those where i work, i would probably drop dead on the spot. not good for anyone.)  all i am saying is, picture a day at your work. now tell me when those kinds of inquiries are appropriate.