Wednesday, August 8, 2012


when i was little, i was a total barbie girl. not to say i had a spray tan and a blond wig, just that i was very, very fond of the dolls. my mom thought me adorable and so indulged me 100 percent.  i guess what is making me think of this is that, at the tender age of 8, i seemed to have a complete grasp of what dating in my twenties would be like.

see, my barbies all had jobs. some were teachers, some models, some musicians, some even ran a McDonald's.  it was kind of all about the accessories of the week.  stumbling on a tiny doctor's kit meant that barbie was donning a lab coat after spending ten years in college.  however, if it was the week i could sneak playing with my twin brother's ninja turtles pizza parlor, well, barbie was making the pizza-pies.

no matter what she was doing, though, barbie was well dressed, well liked, and having a great time.  she went grocery shopping, out to shows with her friends, whatever.

and barbie was quite the dater.

at first i only had this slicked hair creepo 80s ken who was only made worse when i added a pen mustache.  i did not know much about pedophiles at the time, but even i was nervous in my imaginary world about letting ken near skipper.

so, though ken hung out and was a part of the scene, he never really gelled with barbie.  and that was when the new kids on the block dolls came out.  i had to have one. of each. of course.  and was rewarded one christmas with the whole set plus the nkotb stage.  heaven.

so, barbie took her time and went out with them all, sometimes more than once with joey, the favorite.  but it never seemed to be as much fun as playing careers or friendships.  i guess my extremely young mind did not really know what grown ups did on dates that would create lasting connections, and i certainly did not know what was expected to happen after those promising dates came to a close.

sure, i got the whole marriage thing, but was never really sure why the chicken (marriage) ever came before the egg (children).   so, when a baby barbie was brought into the mix, barbie married joey.  mostly this just meant that joey sat in a chair in the barbie mansion while barbie got on with her life...don't look at me like that, i was just a kid.

now that you think i am crazy, let me explain.  when i was a kid, i was playing with just the one male character type. it did not really work out, so i sort of abandoned the concept, not being able to fully understand why i would want to include a male at all.  maybe, had i continued to play with dolls way passed the point of acceptable age, i would have diversified and had more fun with a male partner in crime.

what i am relating this to, i guess, is my early to mid twenties.  i was so busy working, meeting people, and having fun, and was seeming to gravitate toward the same type over and over, so i just kind of stopped bothering for awhile.  i am happy to know, that unlike barbie, i have stuck it out for long enough to realize the possibilities out there.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Tips To Make Your Server Not Hate You. Six Six. Six. Fun! Devil Numbers!

50.  no substitutions.  but i get it, as i am the queen of such things. i know that i am a pain in the ass, though, and usually end up eating at home.  substitutions suck because they ruin the flavor profile, but also they really fuck up the timing of the kitchen.  your fancy, expensive, wow-factor dish may have been created by a brilliant chef, but it is being executed by his minions who thrive by making the same dish over and over again until they can make it while sleep walking.  throw a ticket of substitutions in the mix and you are throwing off the order of the whole kitchen, not only slowing down your own finicky order, but also that of those around you.  usually, if it is a busy service and i am taking multiple table orders, i will put in the table with modifiers last, no matter what, to make sure my other tables get what they order before the high maintenance table.

51.  do not try to sneak by the host and sit at an empty table.  they will not blush and let you sit there because they are so clever.  someone, namely a server has let them know you have seated yourself because we hate that and since they deal with it all the time and are totally stressed out and underpaid, they will make you wait. for a long time as punishment.

52.  do not try to bribe us.  okay, please do. we will take the money and then take off.  i work in a busy restaurant and everyone is trying to get to the roof top patio, but once capacity hits, everybody waits. i wish just once someone would try to bribe me so i could literally take money for nothing.

53. let us talk. in english. soooooo rude to speak around me/to me/about me in another language.  i do not expect everyone to speak english, but if you do, please do.

54. i want to hold your hand. no. i don't. but i do want you to hand me your money/card/id when i ask for it.  when i card someone and they toss their id at me, it makes me want to throw it at them. how rude. hand the fucking thing to me. i am not some poor servant groveling at your feet. once a guy tossed his id to me and it landed on the floor. he made no move to pick it up. i told him i could not serve him because i was pretty sure he was carrying a fake. sorry dude.

55. read the menu.  i am not psychic, though i know when you will be a pain in the ass. if i bring out your loaded hash and it turns out you have an aversion to pork, well, i hope someone at the table is all for a heaping plate of greasy potatoes, because you got what you asked for.

56. again, be cool. if you are that jerk wad who wants to blame me for the mess of pork on his hash browns, well, fuck you.  if you are sheepish and understand that this is your fuck up, and not mine, i will take that mound of gross out of your way and get you something else.

57. sup girl? can i get that hot thang over there a drink? sure. talking like that though, i am going to reassure her that the drink has not been altered and that she should steer clear of your axe wearing ass. unless she is a dumb slut. then, you are welcome.

58. the magic of proposals. right. we had our first date here and now i want to  propose to my girlfriend and it should all be perfect over dessert or cocktails or whatever. cute, yes. but we cannot promise that the cast of hundreds around you is going to cooperate, so please keep that in mind.

59. cash or tab?  it is midnight. everyone is drunk, so why do you think that you are the one lucky guy who gets to drink without a tab? you think you are not capable of getting even  more drunk and sweaty and forgetting all about the 3 jag bombs you just did? tough. shit. your server will dangle your drinks or food or whatever in front of you until you pony up. and yes, we do have all night. just be mindful of the guy at the table next to you who is much bigger and meaner who you are keeping from getting another drink for his barbie.