we all end up in online dating land for the exact same reason. if that reason is not that we are rebounding or cheating. because those are not good reasons, thems just sad.
so, we all end up here because we walk the world without ever making eye contact. we gaze across the grocery store at a cute guy or girl, having a brief day dream about how cool it would be to just walk on over and strike up a conversation, but real life hits us and we are left holding the bag, or bags depending on whether you spent 40 dollars or 80 at kowalskis that day.
real life has nothing to do with being good looking or even confident. i get quite a bit of praise for the way i look and my personality, intelligence, etc, and i still cannot bring myself to approach a stranger unless i am so positive that he is into me that his phone number is floating in the air above his head.
we act and react this way to one another because, sober anyway, we all are protecting ourselves from rejection. if for any reason you have ever seen me at work and have thought i was cute or pretty or whatever, but totally stuck up, well, i am not. i can be a bit shy when people seem to be checking me out and so i avert my eyes as i pass. it is involuntary and i do not mean to be cold but whoever is looking at me then thinks i am not interested and never talks to me. same goes for when i am out in public. i become just a little too shy to make eye contact, so i shut down any chance to talk to me by not even leaving that opening. stupid me.
so, we end up dating those who are introduced to us or those we have enough liquid courage to speak to at the bar, or those we work with because we have enough time to make sure that they are interested. it is safe, but it really limits the pool of applicants. most of my friends are friends with the same guys as me, and i do not see myself with any of them, so that is out. i do not allow myself to be picked up at bars by drunk guys and will not hit on the service staff, so liquid courage is out, as well. and then there is work. yuck. i work in a huge, busy restaurant. four floors of under the sea inspired chaos. the only thing that keeps things smooth is that i do not mix drama with it. i have heard plenty of stories and though harmless, they sound like a huge waste of time.
online dating seems like the perfect solution, right? well it can be, sort of. you see a bunch of people who you know are single (unless they are lying d-bags) and that is a great start. and then you can wink at them or whatever. i guess that is the equivalent of meaningful eye contact. if they return your 'gaze' with a 'gaze' of their own, you now have permission to talk to them. kind of. so you message. and message. and. yawn. message.
this is the problem.
no matter how much i message someone, i am going to get bored and lose interest, but, on the other hand, i do not really want to give my number out to someone i have not gotten a feel for in person. i want to feel like i am being courted, so i do not just want to meet at a random bar, but i also do not want to be sucked into a lengthy dinner date with someone i might not like. what to do, what to do?
well, i guess that is up to you, guys. women like confidence and just because i am a bit puzzled about how to proceed does not mean that you can't take the reigns and ask a girl out. it might be just that easy.
I agree wholeheartedly, but what is the use of the dating sites then? Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and see what could happen. There are definitely alternatives to meeting at a random bar or being sucked into a lengthy dinner date when there is obviously no chemistry. The best alternative in my opinion would be a kind of choose-your-own-adventure style date, meaning you would have choices each step of the way to a. either continue the date to the next phase or b. make a swift exit...
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what you mean and I think I have a few pointers for you:
ReplyDelete1. In a bar setting, guys like me do like to know that a woman is interested. Or at least open to being spoken to. A smile or a laugh is usually the indication that you're open. We assume we'll get shot down if we try anything when you're not. I mean, what's the point wasting a perfectly good drink on a woman who'll just say "Oh, I'm waiting on my husband/boyfriend," or "Yeahhh, so not going to happen. But it's cute of you to think it could."
I'm told women are the same way, as I was told I look too "grr, arrgh" when I'm just lost in thought.
2. As for the online dating - I've learned that after three or four messages, you or the guy has to push it to meet or at least call. Hear each other's voices, get the tone of the jokes you think you understand. If they draw it out any longer, it's a sign the other person is either too scared or isn't really interested. It makes sense to lose interest because you're on that site to *Date* people not message endlessly. That's what Facebook is for.
2a. Same goes for the guy who just texts you constantly. Put it to them - I have family out of state that I text. When they're in my vicinity, I actually want to *do* things with them.
3. Happy Hour/Coffee - best first date ever. This is what my friends do. Go out for a drink or two, or meet up for coffee. Chat a bit, then call it a night. No major time commitment on either party's part, easier to wrap up if there's no interest, and no one feels cheated for blowing a bunch of cash on an expensive dinner if it doesn't turn out.