1. my drink is empty. For awhile and it's not busy. I do not care if my food takes an hour-you do not control the kitchen-but what is your excuse for not checking on my table for the past 20 minutes?
2. you want to fuck my date. good luck. get your skanky ass away from as i am super paranoid that your herpes is some ultra-violent strain that can actually jump off your mouth and onto his dick. also, he might be paying, uber slut, but i always pick up the tip.
3. you are that super macho fake-o flirty guy. yeah, buddy, because i really need to pay someone to hit on me. come on, have you seen me? i'm kind of a big deal.
4. you are surly. you grunt instead of responding. you roll your eyes when i ask for a set of silverware. you hate your job? fuck you. i have your job.
5. you fucked up. forgot to put in my order, dropped my order, spilled on me, whatever. you send a manager over even though i tell you i am fine, that i am a server, that i have been there and done that a dozen times. manager comps my meal and you decide to hide from me for the rest of the meal, having wrote me off as a bad tip. man up, make a joke, move forward.
i decided to write this piece because i have been catching some flak about being too hard on the general dining public. servers are humans, too, and therefore have the capacity to be really, really annoying. just like human customers. in future posts i will even detail how i have been 'that guy' in each and every one of the above scenarios.