Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Free Advice, Online Daters

this advice is for men only, as i have never read the train wrecks i am sure make up the female half of this site.  this advice may not pertain to everyone, but is geared toward the things i have noticed over. and over. and over. again.

photos. 4 biggest pet peeves include the snap of you very, very far away. those thumbnails are the size of well, thumbs. many a girl will pass you by simply because she cannot immediately tell what you look like. there are about 70000 of you to every 500 of us. stand out.

second is the fact that you only have photos of yourself with other people. you may think it is easy to tell which one you are of your backwards cap wearing frat brothers, but we have never met you. one head shot will clear up the confusion.

 three, you are wearing a hat in all of your pictures. i do not care if you are bald or have a mohawk or a bad haircut or whatever. girls get nervous when you hide things.

and four. my personal favorite: you look different in every picture. a girl does not need to know what you looked like five years ago, fat, thin, bald, with long hair, rocking a 'stache, whatever. she needs to know what you look like now. like today, or the day that you will meet. if you are self aware enough to know that you looked way better 40 pounds ago, it might be time for a gym visit, as in order for you to be embraced by someone, you have to be cool with yourself. cheesy, i know.

moving on to your profile. no one reads it unless they find you attractive, so that first part on photos is very important. still, who you are on paper is the only thing we have to go on aside from your good looks, so make it count.

first, do not, anywhere ask yourself why you are online dating. everyone says that and as soon as i read it, i skip it. screw you, we are all here and it will not make you the cool kid because you say you are above it all.

also, do not go on and on about how hard it is to describe yourself. why? you know who you are right? or at least how you want to be perceived...opening with,"describe myself? geez, well, here goes..." makes you seem wishy-washy.

llllllooooooonnnnnnngggggg profiles. cut it down. be funny and cut to the chase. women get messaged dozens of times a day, we do not have time to read a book with every profile.

short profiles. fine as long as you are creating the right flavor. be funny and sarcastic and you will usually do okay. repeat the same word in every box and a girl will probably just think that you are stupid.

talking about getting out of a recent relationship. when i get a whiff, i run. she should not be in any way a part of your dialogue. unless you are not over her, in which case, again, screw you. you are not emotionally ready to connect and will end up being another one of those jackasses who gets drunk and slobbers all over me.

spelling, grammar, proofreading. i am not a stickler, but come on. a fifth grade education should translate into better profiles from the ones i am reading sometimes.

what it comes down to is sincerity. be exactly yourself and not what you think will be clever, because chances are, a few dozen guys are out there making the same joke about needing food and water and oxygen as part of their list of things they can't live without.

well, this is getting a bit long, so let us talk about my favorite thing. messaging.

step one, read the profile.
step two. send a message that is less than 3 paragraphs long commenting on what you believe will create mutual attraction. do not reiterate what is in your profile. if we want to read about you, we will. that is why you wrote the thing in the first place.

again. proper grammar and spelling makes a difference.

wuzzup girl. how r u? is not a good message. it actually offends me that someone would think that i was so desperate that i would respond to that.

hi, how are you? is not a great message, either. it does not have to be long, just long enough so we know you are not copying and pasting the same thing to ten other people.

my last piece of advice is the most important. if you do not get a response, do not sweat it. take it personal if you must, because hey, it is you that we are not into, but do not freak. it just was not made to be.

if you do get a response, do not draw out the online conversation forever. make plans to establish chemistry. you pick the place and the time. do not meet at a bar, try something different. we all want to feel special and seem to be avoiding meeting people in bars. our first face to face should be, at the risk of sounding cheesy. again. special.

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