50. no substitutions. but i get it, as i am the queen of such things. i know that i am a pain in the ass, though, and usually end up eating at home. substitutions suck because they ruin the flavor profile, but also they really fuck up the timing of the kitchen. your fancy, expensive, wow-factor dish may have been created by a brilliant chef, but it is being executed by his minions who thrive by making the same dish over and over again until they can make it while sleep walking. throw a ticket of substitutions in the mix and you are throwing off the order of the whole kitchen, not only slowing down your own finicky order, but also that of those around you. usually, if it is a busy service and i am taking multiple table orders, i will put in the table with modifiers last, no matter what, to make sure my other tables get what they order before the high maintenance table.
51. do not try to sneak by the host and sit at an empty table. they will not blush and let you sit there because they are so clever. someone, namely a server has let them know you have seated yourself because we hate that and since they deal with it all the time and are totally stressed out and underpaid, they will make you wait. for a long time as punishment.
52. do not try to bribe us. okay, please do. we will take the money and then take off. i work in a busy restaurant and everyone is trying to get to the roof top patio, but once capacity hits, everybody waits. i wish just once someone would try to bribe me so i could literally take money for nothing.
53. let us talk. in english. soooooo rude to speak around me/to me/about me in another language. i do not expect everyone to speak english, but if you do, please do.
54. i want to hold your hand. no. i don't. but i do want you to hand me your money/card/id when i ask for it. when i card someone and they toss their id at me, it makes me want to throw it at them. how rude. hand the fucking thing to me. i am not some poor servant groveling at your feet. once a guy tossed his id to me and it landed on the floor. he made no move to pick it up. i told him i could not serve him because i was pretty sure he was carrying a fake. sorry dude.
55. read the menu. i am not psychic, though i know when you will be a pain in the ass. if i bring out your loaded hash and it turns out you have an aversion to pork, well, i hope someone at the table is all for a heaping plate of greasy potatoes, because you got what you asked for.
56. again, be cool. if you are that jerk wad who wants to blame me for the mess of pork on his hash browns, well, fuck you. if you are sheepish and understand that this is your fuck up, and not mine, i will take that mound of gross out of your way and get you something else.
57. sup girl? can i get that hot thang over there a drink? sure. talking like that though, i am going to reassure her that the drink has not been altered and that she should steer clear of your axe wearing ass. unless she is a dumb slut. then, you are welcome.
58. the magic of proposals. right. we had our first date here and now i want to propose to my girlfriend and it should all be perfect over dessert or cocktails or whatever. cute, yes. but we cannot promise that the cast of hundreds around you is going to cooperate, so please keep that in mind.
59. cash or tab? it is midnight. everyone is drunk, so why do you think that you are the one lucky guy who gets to drink without a tab? you think you are not capable of getting even more drunk and sweaty and forgetting all about the 3 jag bombs you just did? tough. shit. your server will dangle your drinks or food or whatever in front of you until you pony up. and yes, we do have all night. just be mindful of the guy at the table next to you who is much bigger and meaner who you are keeping from getting another drink for his barbie.