Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tips To Make Your Server Not Hate. Five For Five.

Yup. I am at it again. Thought that i totally exhausted my list, but with a new restaurant comes fresh, hideously bad behavior. why is eating and drinking so complicated? If you missed volumes one through four, feel free to dig through my (ha) extensive archives. they are good for a laugh. unless they are about you. in that case...um...

41. get out of my way. seriously. you see me, now move. no? then i push. no again? well, the screw on my wine key draws blood. i know from experience.  accidents happen.  uniform shirts made out of spikes are kind of a server's daydream.

42.  get out of the places you are not suppose to be.  employees only, get it? no hidden door, no secret hallways, no magic carpet rides up to the patio. this is not mario brothers. 

43.  you know the owner? you are with the owner? you are the owner?   good for you. now can i please get back to my job serving all of the tables who are lining the pockets of your good friend/companion/you?  and yeah, i get it. you are a big deal. in japan. here we just talk shit about you behind your back.

44.  stop holding my tables hostage. yup. your friends are on the way. stuck in traffic, lost, overdosing on heroin. whatever. they. are.not. here. so why the fuck are you taking up that table for ten and nursing a water?  i will let you stay if you have ten cocktails and three appetizers...

45.  happy hour is in twenty minutes. you want to be the cheap fuck who sits there sipping water until the clock strikes whatever o'clock? well, prepare to wait even longer because when the time does come for you to save a buck a drink, you are the last on my list. and you will be all night long.

46.  tip on the total bill.  your friend puts in twenty bucks cash and you put the difference on your card? tip on the bill, not the seven dollars you are paying for.  you have a buy one get one discount? we still did the work of buy one get none. tip on the total bill. fuck, i wish i did not have to spell this shit out.

47.  do not fight gratuity.  you may be the coolest table ever, and man do we want to take our chances with you. you loved us. we loved you. we are practically facebook friends!!!  but we cannot argue with policy. see, we have to grat parties over blah blah blah and we have to do it consistently. because there may not be a party as cool as you who see it and squawk. we need to know that we can tell them it is policy. if we are awesome, tip more. if we suck, talk to the manager. nothing is written in stone.

48.  please do not be dumb enough to put a tiny child on a bar stool. or to put a booster chair on a slippery, cushy booth.  i know, happy hour is usually in the bar, and it is far more enjoyable to face a whole night with baby jane while shit faced for a few dollars less, or to sit you widening ass on squishy upholstery while you manhandle your chicken alfredo, but please, think of the children.  i have seen not one but several kids get seriously hurt face planting onto the table after rocking their booster forward in a booth.  and i will not even tell you what happened when a two year old fell off a bar stool at a restaurant where i worked. okay i will tell you. she almost died.

49.  you do not want to know all about me.  you do not need to quiz me on things like my marital status, education level, previous employment.  you are not interviewing me. you are not a literary agent or a potential boyfriend. ( because if i found one of those where i work, i would probably drop dead on the spot. not good for anyone.)  all i am saying is, picture a day at your work. now tell me when those kinds of inquiries are appropriate.

4 comments:

  1. "45. happy hour is in twenty minutes. you want to be the cheap fuck who sits there sipping water until the clock strikes whatever o'clock? well, prepare to wait even longer because when the time does come for you to save a buck a drink, you are the last on my list. and you will be all night long."

    People can do what they want to do and by you doing that is only HURTING your TIP, POSSIBLY YOUR JOB even. You are also being UNFAIR. You are supposed to go in the ORDER in which request came in if you expect the customers to tip well.

    WHY do that to customers? If they want to sit, they can, you ARE NOT THE OWNER!!

    I could and WOULD NEVER do that if I were a server. I'd be cool with it. People can do what they want to do and by them saving more money, that's them having more money to give to me in my tip. That's way I look at it, WHY don't you?

    "44. stop holding my tables hostage. yup. your friends are on the way. stuck in traffic, lost, overdosing on heroin. whatever. they. are.not. here. so why the fuck are you taking up that table for ten and nursing a water? i will let you stay if you have ten cocktails and three appetizers..."

    Again, people have a right to order water and wait for people. You ARE NOT THE OWNER, GET OVER IT! People have EVERY RIGHT to do what they want to do unless the *OWNER* says it's not possible. You have ZERO SAY. You are just an employee of the owner's, that's it.

    I am also pretty sure *YOU* have done this, don't LIE!! Someone was supposed to be there, they ran late due to traffic or something. Seriously, we are not there to worry about holding the table that isn't yours. We are there to pay for the service we receive. If you don't like it, GET OUT OF THE SERVICE INDUSTRY THEN!!

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  3. why are you so angry? are you a server? have you ever been a server? why do you think it is your right to post a bunch of crap on my blog? do you know how insane you sound? and to get so mad about something that is suppose to be a joke. wow. seek therapy.

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  4. "why do you think it is your right to post a bunch of crap on my blog?"

    Because you WROTE THE BLOG AND YOU ARE LETTING PEOPLE, DUHHH!!

    "do you know how insane you sound? and to get so mad about something that is suppose to be a joke."

    It doesn't sound like a joke to me.

    "why are you so angry?"

    Because servers think they OWN the tables when they don't. People can do what they want.

    "are you a server? have you ever been a server?"

    No, the closest I have been which I did make min. wage plus tips was at a donut shop/diner as counter help from 1998-2002 off and on a little over 2yrs worth which we served much more than just donuts just like dunkin donuts does. I didn't work at a dunkin donuts, but to say we served biscuits, croissants, burgers, sandwiches, chicken tenders, etc., not just donuts. We had 2 booths, the counter, drive-thru and some 2-seater tables. Now it wasn't at all like a server, but I did see how customers can be bitchy at times and blame you for things you can't control like how long it takes for the cook to cook the food when you put in the order right and you are just waiting for the food.

    It doesn't matter if I have or haven't been a server, because it's SELFISH to think that the customers should consider that they are taking up a table. SO WHAT? If you can't pay your bills, you might want to look for something else or somewhere else, because most servers that I have talked to make more than the cooks. If you aren't making that much money, you might want to look at WHY. Is it because you aren't a hard worker or is it because you aren't getting enough customers?

    I have learned more being a frequent customer since Nov. 2000 than when I worked there. Even if I worked there during that time, I learned things by being a customer the more years I ate out and had problems at times.

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