i am kind of a big deal.

i am kind of a big deal.

in my bath tub. water displacement and all that jazz. and that is where my kind of a big deal status ends.

that being said, i am amazed at how many fantastic, if not totally generic compliments i get every single day from this site. i have to wonder, though, why do these compliments not get me feeling all warm and gooey? well, because they feel copied and pasted. see for yourself, the eerie similarities:

Hi there gorgeous ;).

 your photogenic I like it haha

Hi. You are absolutely beautiful

wow.......is all i can say...your gorgeous...

Ur amazing

your very cute

you look very beautiful with youe eyes expression!! :)

you so hot
Hey you lookin.great

You are super cute !



You are very attracting! Nice photo's

damn your fine

Hey beautiful

and this is just one day. i am not poking fun at anyone or saying that they should not compliment people. i just wonder if we all should not be throwing our warm fuzzies out more regularly, and to people's faces. myself included.

So beautiful.I think we should fall In Love

Very good looking I still think u r ;)

Hello gorgeous, how is ur days going sweetheart

hi there is you a sweet caring funloving and faithful woman if yes lets chat txt me

Hi u doing ma I see u look sexy

imaginary sex.

come right here and be you.
suck it up. what you want is not at the bottom of your glass.
though it gives you courage, it will give you no pleasure when later you are exhausted and i am moving on.

be so great and mighty. deep breathe and daydream about what it would be like to see my face in the morning.

and all the things you will have seen to get to that morning.

have strong hands. hold me as i rock and moan. rock and moan.
force me to look you in the eyes. watch me blush. lips slightly parted, drunk with desire.
no one sees you that way. not in this moment. you are incredible. you that is reflected in my eyes.

take over from there, not being able to contain yourself any longer. bring me to my back. thrust and grip. thrust and grip. overwhelm yourself with the moment. give way to the tide. i won't mind. my time came and went. came and went.

choke back tears as prayers in dead languages cloud your judgement. cry out involuntarily as i grasp your shoulders. collapse into deep kisses. share my pillow. hold my hand. close your eyes.

your heart beats and aches. beats and aches. the pain subsides. you know i will be here in the morning. games over. you win.

and all it took was a single step toward.

*i wanted to make a comment about this post, as people have been asking who the mystery man is. um. this is complete fiction. as in, it never happened. all wishful thinking on my part. now that that is cleared up, let us move on, shall we?

Top 5 ways To Make Your Date Regret Her decision To Meet You:

you show up late. very late. so late that she starts to think she got the am and pm mixed up. and you do not call to say you will be late. twenty minutes and no phone call? bye.

you show up and announce that you are flat broke. so why are you dating? i am not saying that the guy is ever obligated to pay for everything, but is the girl? this has actually happened to me twice. i ended up buying a few drinks because the conversation was interesting, but nothing beyond. you can afford your bong rips but not afford to pay your own way when meeting someone socially? loser.

you force your date to go to some out of the way place because it is stumbling distance to your front door. no. it is super polite to choose a meeting place that is comfortable for your date, in case you decide to get all axe-murdery on her or something. i will rarely venture out of uptown for the first meeting just because i like to be surrounded by people who know who i am and where i am when i am with someone i do not know. i get that you are probably harmless, but really, one can never be too careful.

you show up drunk or high. should be a no-brainer, but isn't. i get that dating is stressful and having a way to relax beforehand is a good idea, but, believe me, you aren't fooling anyone, mr bloodshot eyes.

you talk about sex. a lot. you talk about your ex. a lot. you talk about sex with your ex. a lot. see where i am going with this? guys who are insecure tend to talk about sex way too much, which can make a girl uncomfortable. even if we do want to hop on right away, we still like to be treated like ladies. also, guys who talk about their exes a lot are usually rebounding. this is why i skip profiles where the ex is mentioned, even briefly.

what i wish is to know what it is that women do on first dates that can be so annoying. i want to know if i have done any of those things, or maybe even to know what it is that girls do that blow guy's minds. i would like to put a list like that together about guys, but not one thing has happened yet.

cue the clown music. vol. one.

These few 'clown' posts are to show why i am still single, as this is the bulk of online attention i am getting.  I have not altered or changed anything except to blank out names and phone numbers...

Can I seduce ur panties off and make u smile???

Well, I'm married....you're single. I think we may be looking for different things on here...maybe not.
I hope you find that you're looking for. And if that would happen to look something like me, I'd be honored getting to know you better.

i c u like books...2 bad i never read 1. I like your boobs...err I mean book collection....I mean uhh what do you do with a salad fork? (this one is from a really cool guy who was actually being funny...)


Ur hott ;) whats up ?

u like real niggaz from philly
why we never gt to chat

What's up sexy I'm ******

How are you doing beautiful? You look like someone I would love to wake up next to in the morning

Yummmmmm! Lol (this would not be bad at all if he actually knew he was referencing still life with woodpecker.)


Let me re introduce myself hello my name is Steve. Your extraordinary beautiful looking women.. is that proper enough for uou hahahaha yea right Im not gonna waste my time on another female like that again. byzzz!!! N btw ur not that hott to be puttin your pussy on a silver platter

ewww so gaangstsa internet shit talker nm dsb

Whos left headed

Damn u sexy as shiii
I love you

your so sexy wanna kiss u always mz pretty

Hey sexy


Get to know me..... i'll show you the way =)

Wow lefty and smokin hot! What are the hang ups!

fuck ur hot

u r sexy

you sure ur not a hipster =)

You're kinda cute muffinbutt :)

could i ask u somethin?? would u record me sucking my own d*ck? it's 10 inches long .... if that holds any weight.. ur really pretty.

so again, it begins

we all end up in online dating land for the exact same reason. if that reason is not that we are rebounding or cheating. because those are not good reasons, thems just sad.

so, we all end up here because we walk the world without ever making eye contact. we gaze across the grocery store at a cute guy or girl, having a brief day dream about how cool it would be to just walk on over and strike up a conversation, but real life hits us and we are left holding the bag, or bags depending on whether you spent 40 dollars or 80 at kowalskis that day.

real life has nothing to do with being good looking or even confident. i get quite a bit of praise for the way i look and my personality, intelligence, etc, and i still cannot bring myself to approach a stranger unless i am so positive that he is into me that his phone number is floating in the air above his head.

we act and react this way to one another because, sober anyway, we all are protecting ourselves from rejection.  if for any reason you have ever seen me at work and have thought i was cute or pretty or whatever, but totally stuck up, well, i am not. i can be a bit shy when people seem to be checking me out and so i avert my eyes as i pass. it is involuntary and i do not mean to be cold but whoever is looking at me then thinks i am not interested and never talks to me. same goes for when i am out in public. i become just a little too shy to make eye contact, so i shut down any chance to talk to me by not even leaving that opening. stupid me.

so, we end up dating those who are introduced to us or those we have enough liquid courage to speak to at the bar, or those we work with because we have enough time to make sure that they are interested. it is safe, but it really limits the pool of applicants.  most of my friends are friends with the same guys as me, and i do not see myself with any of them, so that is out.  i do not allow myself to be picked up at bars by drunk guys and will not hit on the service staff, so liquid courage is out, as well. and then there is work. yuck. i work in a huge, busy restaurant. four floors of under the sea inspired chaos. the only thing that keeps things smooth is that i do not mix drama with it. i have heard plenty of stories and though harmless, they sound like a huge waste of time.

online dating seems like the perfect solution, right? well it can be, sort of. you see a bunch of people who you know are single (unless they are lying d-bags) and that is a great start. and then you can wink at them or whatever. i guess that is the equivalent of meaningful eye contact. if they return your 'gaze' with a 'gaze' of their own, you now have permission to talk to them. kind of. so you message. and message. and. yawn. message.

this is the problem.

no matter how much i message someone, i am going to get bored and lose interest, but, on the other hand, i do not really want to give my number out to someone i have not gotten a feel for in person. i want to feel like i am being courted, so i do not just want to meet at a random bar, but i also do not want to be sucked into a lengthy dinner date with someone i might not like. what to do, what to do?

well, i guess that is up to you, guys. women like confidence and just because i am a bit puzzled about how to proceed does not mean that you can't take the reigns and ask a girl out. it might be just that easy.

Reason Number Two To Hate Me, Your Server:

i want your date. sorry, sorry, sorry. this only happened one time and i still feel like a wanker about it. in my defense, well this whole post is in my defense, so, here goes.

i was 23 and working in a steakhouse. i liked the job, except the middle-aged business men who tried to guess the size of my chest. they were always wrong, as if low balling it would be flattering.

anyway.

a couple got sat at one of my tables. they were mid to late twenties.  she looked stuck up and overdressed and he looked, well, hot. casually dressed, visible tattoos, glasses he kept pushing up his nose, messy hair; the whole nine for my modest and youthful taste.

so he orders a big beer, declaring 'why not, it's my birthday!' while his date sneered at our wine list, quizzing me on wine i had never tried and knew nothing about. i am sure that she knew this and wanted to make me look foolish. some women, i can just tell, hate other women on site. birthday boy smoothed things over for me, declaring that he should just get three different kinds and mix them together. she gave him a withering look for his troubles.

after clearing that hurdle, he quickly glanced at the menu and then placed it down, already totally sure of what he wanted, while she. took. for. ever.  after about fifteen minutes of her frowning over the same three pages, i went over to the table and asked if i could make any suggestions or answer any questions.

"well, i am a vegan. i do NOT eat this kind of stuff and am having a hard time finding ANYTHING that will be palatable. what would you recommend in my unique situation? having to come to a STEAKHOUSE when i am a VEGAN?"

"how nice that you were willing to accommodate your boyfriend on your birthday. all of our salads and pastas can be made vegan. see the little 'v' next to some of the dishes? that means that those can be prepared to your specifications, just let me know which one you would like to try."

ten minutes later, she of course attempts to order something that we can not prepare vegan and i have to piss her off yet again. she finally points vaguely to one of the aforementioned  entrees and he orders a huge slab of prime rib, medium rare, a baked potato loaded with sour cream, butter, and bacon, and a salad laden with creamy ranch dressing and cheese, making a joke about letting me have whatever was left over after i expressed so much pleasure over the prime rib. at this point i would have killed the cow with my bare hands for him, or just the cow of a woman he was with so i could be the one sitting across from him on his birthday.

after they ordered, i overheard her ridiculing his meal choice, wondering out loud how she was ever going to be able to watch him eat so much animal product. and an idea for a harmless joke formed in my head.

about twenty minutes later, their food came out. in this time he had drank his entire beer and eaten much of the mini loaf of (delicious) honey oat bread with cinnamon butter. she had touched not her glass of wine, nor the bread. of course.

i set down their entrees, and as he took the final gulp of his beer, i stood a menu between them, explaining that this way, she would not have to watch him eat a dead animal and he would not be blinded by all of her healthy food.

he laughed so hard he spit out his beer.

in the direction of his date.

he continued to laugh as his date glared at me and ran to the bathroom. i get it, no one likes to be spit at, but we are talking about three or four drops here.

while she was gone, i apologized for what i had done. he thanked me for making his birthday fun. i told him that i did not understand celebrating something unless it is fun, that dates should be a good time, never stressful.

and then we shared a look. ffffffffuuuuuuuucccccckkk.

the rest of the meal was kind of a blur. i got a little busy and was not able to give them a lot more extra attention. he got another beer, she pushed her food around. they did not talk much.  when it came time to box up his food (she did not want hers. surprise.) i wrote my number down and slipped it in the box before bagging it up.

not until i had already run the card and said goodbye did i see the matching wedding bands.

he never called, and i never did such a thing again.

even though the story did not end up a fairytale, i am grateful to that guy for two reasons:

one, he paid the tab. for his own birthday dinner and tipped very well.

and two, he never told his wife that i gave him my number. i am sure of this only because i did not have some crazy vegan bitch coming back to rip my hair out.

Top Five Reasons I Hate My Server:

1. my drink is empty.  For awhile and it's not busy.  I do not care if my food takes an hour-you do not control the kitchen-but what is your excuse for not checking on my table for the past 20 minutes?

2. you want to fuck my date. good luck. get your skanky ass away from as i am super paranoid that your herpes is some ultra-violent strain that can actually jump off your mouth and onto his dick. also, he might be paying, uber slut, but i always pick up the tip.

3. you are that super macho fake-o flirty guy. yeah, buddy, because i really need to pay someone to hit on me. come on, have you seen me? i'm kind of a big deal.

4. you are surly. you grunt instead of responding. you roll your eyes when i ask for a set of silverware. you hate your job? fuck you. i have your job.

5. you fucked up. forgot to put in my order, dropped my order, spilled on me, whatever. you send a manager over even though i tell you i am fine, that i am a server, that i have been there and done that a dozen times. manager comps my meal and you decide to hide from me for the rest of the meal, having wrote me off as a bad tip. man up, make a joke, move forward.

i decided to write this piece because i have been catching some flak about being too hard on the general dining public. servers are humans, too, and therefore have the capacity to be really, really annoying. just like human customers.  in future posts i will even detail how i have been 'that guy' in each and every one of the above scenarios.