i have written this before and will again until my at peaced 85 year old body is pushed out to sea on a burning raft after being ravaged by the scientific masses as they harvested my organs. whoever is in charge of this morbid endeavor should probably really like me as the risk of going to jail for setting human remains on fire and pushing them out to sea is very great.
can you tell that this, the above mentioned subject is one that i am tired of talking about? okay, okay. the subject is the crushing weight of pedestals and the weighty crush of the crush.
when i worked at the LT, there were five scenarios i was made aware of involving people who had crushes on me, their polite but distant, clumsy but competent server.
the first scenario, which i have written about before, ended with me dating the guy for about five minutes. if by date you count me listening to him whine about his ex and recite sonnets on how afraid of commitment he was. For six months this guy came in and made lovely small talk with me until one day a friend of his outed him and he was forced to ask for my number. auspicious beginnings, man, you guys seem to be so great with them.
scenario number two was a lot weirder. a guy came in wearing chefs whites and ordered a pizza to go. he began doing this once a week, the same time every week. every week he would stand and chat at me longer and longer. every week his appearance became more disheveled and his actions toward me more erratic until one day he brought me flowers and stood way too close to me while tracing the outline of one of the tattoos on my arm. after that day i refused to wait on him. he came back once more on a day i happened to be late and became totally irate when he found out that i was not there. my boss 86'd him and threatened a restraining order. an off duty cop sitting in the restaurant helped to underline the point. the guy never came back.
scenario number three was more innocent but still off-putting than the other two and happened about a year ago. this guy who was friends with friends confessed to one that he found me to be something or another in a positive way, so i, being unafraid of anything, least of all something romantic, went right up to the guy and talked his face off. he was delighted. we made plans. though we were mutually enamored, the timing could not have been less brilliant so we kept missing each other. until we finally didn't. and then he moved out of state for school. to this day he wonders why i do not any longer give out the time of day.
scenario number four is the one that pisses me off the most. anyone who has read me has to see that i shy away from drug use and do not date guys who so much as smoke pot. i get that some of you probably think that i am a hypocrite because i drink socially. whatever. i do not care. you do what you do, i do what i do. if we are suppose to, ahem, do it together, great, if not, not. any way. this guy sent me some heart felt crap about having met me a few times and being really into me and reading all of my stuff and wanting to buy me a drink. i say crap now because, let's face it, hindsight is 420, right? at the time i was flattered and so done wading through actual dating that i thought it would be fun to talk to someone artistic and poetic and not afraid to put themselves out there. so, we met up. my heart sunk a bit because, though i did not think he was stoned (he was), i knew that he was a stoner. our conversation was disjointed, he was self centered, and spent much of the time doodling. after this half assed attempt to get to know me better, he took my hand and lead me to his house. the night ended with me annoyingly unaffected. i could not go where he thought i should and he could not give me one good reason to stay and melt. we never spoke again and i do not know that i could pick the guy out of a line up.
scenario five is more of the same crap. some guy who knows some guy i know confesses to said guy that he thinks i am above average awesome, guy tells me in confidence because guy has a shrew of a woman or some such nonsense. i pay no heed until friend guy gets me all riled up some months later when they break up. i do my best to put a 'hi' in the ring and am met with a wet floor sign.
you may be reading this and thinking,or saying in a comment, maybe, that i am a bitch and should be happy that so many people find me blah blah blah. huh. really? i should be flattered that all these guys and then some are hoisting my body, face, mannerisms and small talk up on this huge fucking pedestal? they look at me from so many angels and for so long that i actually turn to stone. so, when i, the real 'cass' show up and see them gazing up at my likeness adoringly and say hey, they piss their pants and run away?
it did not quite happen that way in Pygmalion, now did it?
so, all of you out there biking through traffic, staring at online profiles, filling beer glasses. all of you painting murals, spinning records, stirring pots. all of you, the crushed, the crush, the crushing, daydreaming about a face, a look, a gesture. he she they are real and you may want to be ready for when they peak out from behind that still in your mind. the one with the tossing hair and toothy smile. because they may be ready to be more than just your mind.